I find it quite funny...well maybe annoying actually how the summer has to work. I hear almost nothing from most of my friends for almost the entire summer, and then in one weekend everyone wants to do everything and somehow I have to find a way to squeeze it all in. No regrets though, it was one hell of a weekend to be sure.

So Friday evening I drove myself out to Ann Arbor to meet up with some friends to hit up Necto that night. It didn't take me long to get there, but then I'm going down this 5 lane road trying to locate the house number in question, which took about three drive-bys to do, and when I finally realized which house was my target, I new my life would end that night. I pulled into the driveway of what looked like a condemed crack-whore house. They had killed all the grass in an attempt at killing the weeds, which were thriving at about 2 feet tall I might add. The the sidding was off, the roof was peeling, the backyard was just an overgrown miny jungle, and I was terrified out of my mind for a good minute and a half until my friend came wandering out to the driveway to assure me it was safe. So that out of the way I met the two other people in our M foursome for the evening and we had a fabulous night kicked off with 4 shots of smirnoff and some delicious raspberry coolers. Then on to another appartment more downtown where we met up with about 30 gay men and headed on to Necto. OMG, Spiral you have been put to shame my dear friend. Necto was like 4 1/2 stories of clubing genious, and while most of the people were all carbon copies of one another (thank you U of M for your originality) the place was amazing. Met some awesome people and danced til my poor stress-fractured foot couldn't dance no more! Back at the crack house I slept in the most amazingly comfortable king size bed amidst friends, but only for about 3 1/2 hours before I had to get up and drive myself back to the Twp. for my bro's baseball game and shopping with my grandmother. That actually turned out pretty sweet though too considering she bought me $150 of clothes! Then it was off to Commerce Twp. (gotta love the Twp's!!) for another party on the lake complete with different friends, boating, and a well built camp fire and s'mores to top it all off.

Really the weekend has just made me ready to go back to school, I miss having nights like this and its just all so much easier when everyone you could possible want lives less than a mile from you. Now its back to the old grind, gotta love work. Though I am getting quite good at it and have a new high for my best night yet, $110 in tips in 6 hours, not to shabby at all. Well thats it for now folks.

So I am very pleased to say that I might once again be able to have my name in lights. I decided to really do some good digging into what the greater lansing area has to offer in the way of community theatre and much to my delight I found the perfect match. The Lansing Civic Players are close to campus and their musical for the 2006-7 season is Gypsy! I have already been in this musical once with Lakeland players many years ago and would love to do it again. And the schedule works out perfectly with tech week falling on spring break so I won't even have to loose my head completely! Of course their is the whole aspect of auditions, and the fact that there are realy only 4 roles I can even be cast as, but go big or go home! I have been away from the stage long enough.

So I guess it is a sad thing that I am not sure how I am going to make it through this week with no structure to my life. In payment for having such great availability for training week, I now have no work this week...thanks a lot guys! So much for money, an asset i really could use, what with a new computer to purchase and what not. So now I find myself exploring my seemingly limitless options with a bit of cynicism.

I was good this morning and got myself up and over to the gym by 8:30am. Still can't really run on my foot, but I did 3.5 miles of hills on one of those elipticle things or whatever they are where you do the running motion without having to pick your feet up off the machine. I suppose that will just have to do for a while.

I have the option of escaping to my house up north this weekend, but the prospect of potentially sharing my space with an innumeral amount of step-1st and 2nd cousins is slightly daunting. Though I do love up north, and might just deal with the sleeping arrangements. Some more thought will have to be given to the situation.

I found all of my old compossition books full of stories I have written over the years last night. Well...found isn't really the right word, they were never lost, I just actually decided to pull them out and read through them. The stories themselves aren't terrible, but the writting certainly needs to be grown up just a bit, perhaps I will rework them this week if I get that bored. If not I still have more Spanish movies to finish for class.

Only two days until I can render magic pills forever obsolete and get my hormonal disturbances back in balance, it will deffinately be a high point for me, and those who have to deal with me with any kind of regularity as well I am sure.

Tenutas beckons, the green beast needs food.

So tonight in Spanish class we wrote dialogues and then performed them for the rest of the class. I was placed in a group with two guys, and upon being told that we were supposed to be a married couple and a psychiatrist, I quickly laid claim to the role of psych. Oh what a dialogue we had! Juan did a flawless performance as a flamboyant gay man, lisp and all, and Carlos played the part of the whiny partner whos feelings were being ignored perfectly. My part was all but vital to the plot, and I can't really say that i minded considering I was laughing far too much at my partners' performances to really deliver my own lines. Good times, good times. I will miss it when it ends in 2 weeks, it is my last tie to MSU until the fall.

Olive Garden is still good, life as a server is going well and I still love all the people. It is good that I am able to have another social circle because I find myself often feeling very much deprived. Hopefully this will satisfy me since I hope to be spending much of my time now at work. On the issue of work though I would like to define for anyone who is willing to listen..."campers". (I feel kinda like Steven Colbert all of the sudden)

Campers: those annoying customers (I mean guests, Danicole would shoot me) who upon being seated take forever to order, forever to eat, forever to pay, and then to top it all off just continue to sit in your section for, oh let's say AN HOUR after they are done eating, there by making it impossible for you to seat new people, get more tips, or leave when you are cut!!! So for all of you out there that do this henous act, think of the poor server who's life you are ruining, and take your social life elsewhere...or tip really, really good. :)

It is almost the weekend, just lunch shift tomorrow and then I have the weekend off to enjoy myself...and oh what an eclectic weekend it will be at that. A perfect blend of TV melow dramas, sex filled spanish films, and a David Crowder concert to top it all off. Maybe a little sun and tennis by the pool too if I'm so lucky. It just might shape up to be one helluva weekend folks!

"The greatest danger is not that we set our goal to high and fail to attain it, but that we set our goal to low and reach it." - Michelangelo (Mike n' Angelo :P luv ya darling)

It doesn't really pertain to anything, but I suppose it can be applied to everything, ponder it. Out.

So I think it has been roughly a month since I wrote on this thing, and that is sad, but I also don't have anything amazing to talk about, so I'm just gonna steel this from Cato and go to town...

[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[ ] I don't like Bush because from what I hear, he is dumb.
[x] I don't like Bush with my own reasons to back it up.
[ ] I am for Bush.
[ ] I listen to political music.
[ ] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.
[x] I open up to others easily.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I watch the news. (but only when someone else turns it on)
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[x] I own an iPod or MP3
[x] I own something from Hot Topic
[x] I love Disney Movies.
[x] I am a sucker for hair/eyes
[x] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse regularly. (but only amongst friends)
[ ] I paid for that cell phone ring.
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation. (though there have been a few j/k's)
[ ] I love Spam.
[x] I bake well.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie. (ended the overpriced fashion phase a long time ago)
[x] I have a job.
[ ] I love Martha Stewart.
[x] I am in love with love. .
[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I am self conscious.
[x] I like to laugh.
[ ] I smoke a pack a day.
[ ] I loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[ ] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I've been out of this country.
[ ] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I see a therapist. (Dr. Mark our days are so over!)
[ ] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails. (...guilty, but really wish i weren't)
[x] I am comfortable with being me.
[ ] I play video games.
[x] I'm single and looking
[ ] I'm in a relationship
[ ] Gotten lost in your city
[x] Saw a shooting star
[ ] I Had a serious Surgery. (though I have had 3 surgeries)
[x] Hugged a stranger
[x] Been in a fist fight (it was short and in 3rd grade, but there were some good bruises)
[ ] Been arrested
[ ] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[ ] Swore at your parents.
[x] Kicked a guy where it hurts. (the "drowning" man in my lifeguard training...oops)
[x] Been close to love (or in love)
[x] Been to a casino
[x] Been skydiving (its freaking amazing!)
[x] Broken a bone
[x] Skipped school
[ ] Flashed someone.
[x] Saw a therapist
[x] Played spin the bottle
[x] Gotten stitches
[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[x] Bitten someone.
[ ] Been to Niagara Falls
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Kissed a member of the same sex.
[ ] Crashed into a friend's car (no, but 2 have into mine)
[ ] Been to Japan
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[ ] Shoplifted
[ ] Been fired
[x] Ever had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x] Had feelings for someone who didnt have them back.
[ ] Stole something from your job
[ ] Gone on a blind date
[x] Lied to a friend
[x] Had a crush on a teacher.
[ ] Celebrated mardigras in New Orleans
[ ] Been to Europe
[ ] Slept with a co-worker
[ ] Been married
[ ] Gotten divorced
[ ] Had children/been pregnant
[x] Saw someone dying
[ ] Been to Africa
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] Been to Canada
[x] Been to Mexico
[x] Been on a plane
[x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[ ] Thrown up in a bar
[ ] Eaten Sushi.
[ ] Been snowboarding
[x] Been Skiing
[ ] Met someone in person from the internet
[ ] Been to a moto cross show
[ ] Lost a child
[x] Gone to college
[ ] Graduated college
[ ] Done hard drugs
[x] Taken painkillers
[ ] Had someone cheat on you
[x] Miss someone right now.

I hope this offers great insight into...something

As for the more mundane aspects of my life, I started at Olive Garden last week and so far love all the people and the job. Hopefully those feelings will carry me through the rest of the summer, if not there's always Rainforest Cafe! HA, never again, though I do miss my fish alot. :( oh well, you win some, you loose some. Now it's time to get ready for class tonight.

Thank you Longshanks for the friendly nudge reminding me that I had failed to post in over a week...

I blame the involvedness of turning on the computer and getting on-line...it just takes so much longer than it used to at school.

So summer has started, my spanish class has begun, and while I have a job in the wings at present I am not so gainfully unemployed. There is nothing quite like sitting home all day alone and wishing you didn't live in one of the most boring places on earth. I would love to be over at the club running, but I managed to stress fracture my left foot running on bad shoes, so $75 later I have brand new shoes, but it still hurts too much to do much of anything running related. I guess for now we'll just work on the diet and push-ups and crunches.

In better news, the 14 hour finale of American Idol is on in 1/2 hour (OMG!!!!!....not) and M&M's that fall on the floor have no calories! Now there's something to cheer about!

So it's pouring...again, and I am at the funeral home ready to garden...again...in the pouring...again.

I don't really have a problem with rain at all, in fact I happen to thoroughly enjoy a good thunderstorm, but it has been raining almost solid now for two days and I am over it. Not to mention I left the comfort of a warm bed and an amazing show to come here, and the thought of paying Blockbuster ungodly sums of money for four episodes, and potentially only having time now for two of them is a truly heinous crime. The one perk to being here- a computer with a cable modem, oh how I do miss my ethernet connection now that I am home and living in the stone age of dial-up.

In only three days I will be packing into a car and heading off to New York for a week of surprises. I really hope all goes well and everyone behaves for the most part civil to one another. Either way it will be amazing I am sure, and Broadway...words can not even come close to describing my passion for it. I will be a wreck come curtain call, that much is certain, and most likely in a bit of a stupor the rest of a night, a confused mixture of jealousy and awe.

It still makes me sad to think about the stage, It seems like so many people are discovering their passions, and I feel like I've totally lost that which drove my life since I was 6. Maybe I will have to look into what the East Lansing Community Theater is up to next season.

Well, the rain is driving and the flowers are calling...*sigh* it's a good thing this pays well...NYC here I come!

Hmm...on a more interesting note, my grandmother just walked in to inform me that my very effeminate ex-neighbor Bill is now living as Beverly while still married to his-or well...her i suppose-wife Karen. Why does my family always pick the worst times to move, just when something interesting happens.

To my best friends in the world, I love you more than anything.

With my birthday still four days away, I feel that there is nothing for topping the weekend I just had. Expert planning and love landed me in the heart of gay sub-culture for Lansing, Michigan. Down a dark street to a inconspicuous black building awaited an unforgettable night.

Spiral. Admittedly my first true clubbing experience, but still I believe I can rightly say an absolutely amazing place. Getting carded by a man wearing nothing but spandex booty shorts and handcuffs pretty much sets the ultimate stage for me. The main room, a black canvas accented with over-sized, blood red furniture. Around us a veritable plethora of individuals of every shape, size, and amount of clothing. How I do love the night life. Women with no more than electric tape over their tits, drag-queens in 7in. heels, waiters carrying trays of shots in boots and spandex booty shorts-oh how the list could go on, and here we were, a part of it all.

The dancing room was unlike anything I had ever seen. Strobes, black-lights, colored lights, lasers, blaring music, driving beat, boxes, fog. Here is where the majority of the night escaped us, dancing together, one with the whole room around us. Gay men grinding, wrapped in each others arms were all around us. The boxes were topped by the daring, usually a scantly clad guy with the moves to excite anyone who happened to be watching. God dancing is liberating! I danced with Erin and Lauren most of the night, though max got his fair share and also some random guys from the club. One of which was about a head shorter than me, another, who smelled of old sex, tried to undress me on the dance floor and couldn't keep his hands off of me, and still another, who claimed to be from Africa and confessed his un-dieing love to me at the conclusion of the night. No complaints though, the three of us were pretty hot if I do say so myself, and I would pick you guys to dance with over any of the lesbians there, hands down.

But like all good things, it had to come to an end. Afterward the three of us were dead tired and crashed harder than I have in a while. Today it is back to studying for finals, and my brain is having quite the time of placing last night into the realm of my reality. And as the clock reads midnight, the ritual screams of the night surround me. Monday. Finals are upon us.

I'm sure everyone has heard the analogy of trying to cup water in your hand, and the harder u work to keep it there, the faster it just drains away from you...

That is how I feel about my life at present. I don't want this, contrary to what some might think. And while I may ask for it in some ways, guilty as charged, I never really realize just what I am getting myself into...again.

And now we reach this stagnant pool of brooding, even the slightest tremble can break through the tension and send everything into chaos. And so I try to keep the peace, but it seems my efforts only do more to produce ripples, a fact which severely frustrates and upsets me.

We are not always what we seem to be, the strong are often weak, the confident insecure, and the happy screaming behind their vainly fashioned facades. What does it take to bring out this alter-ego? The thought frightens me.

But tomorrow is another day, and another chance to make things right, or else to descend into the chaos and rebuild from whatever we can salvage.

A little something to break up the monotony of type-

You Are Lightning

Beautiful yet dangerous People will stop and watch you when you appear Even though you're capable of random violence You are best known for: your power Your dominant state: performing

Beautiful yet dangerous...an island man on the beach of southern florida once tattooed that on my shoulder with henna, who knew just how insightful he was when he picked it for me.

So life, in its eternal ebb and flow, has again stranded me on an island that I know all to well, and while I promise myself every time I manage to find my way off that I will never return, here I am again wondering why.

I played a game once called the un-game. Aptly named, the pieces were drably colored, the object was non-existent, and if allowed, the "game" would play out through eternity, because in keeping with the general theme, there was no end. The board itself was a winding trail of spaces surrounding a lake and enclosed in a veritable landscape of forests, desserts, mountains, and the like. The spaces were of three varieties: question spaces in which you drew a card and answered the semi-personal question, discussion spaces in which you could discuss earlier people's answers to questions, and then destination spaces. These spaces offered you a rendezvous in any one of the landscapes around the board- the catch: these landscapes were all representative of where you found yourself in life at the time. Whether you found yourself in desertion dessert, isolation island, mighty mountain, playful playground...(the list goes on) there was for sure a place that would parallel you.

For such a simple, juvenile game there was much to be gained by all who partook. Character analysis is one of my passions, and therefore anything that aids it as well. I feel I could really benefit from playing it right now, somehow its all easier when its in the form of a simple game. I wonder where I would cast myself off to, I'm not really lonely per say, though I do feel as though there are holes in my life. Mighty mountain is a little extreme for me right now seeing as though nothing to intense has run up against me. Maybe I would go sit in the boat in the middle of the lake, I don't remember what it stood for, but I think it was a quest for serenity and understanding- I could use a little bit of both right now.

But the shadows prove the sunshine they say, and so even the bad things in life exist to show you the light, and maybe when I find that light it can shine on the rest of my life and show me where I am going and what I am doing. Dry up the haze of confusion, the problem, I don't even really know what I'm confused about. All things in time.

Since few read this, and even fewer really care...perhaps this too will be good for me.

Shrouded in the dim moonlight, he backed her gently into the wall, his left hand on the small of her back, his right toying with the ties drawn loosely about her waist. He breathed out, deep and heavy into her hair and she turned her face up to meet his dark stare. The corner of his mouth turned up hinting at what mischief he bore in mind. She tore her eyes away and let them wend a path down his sharp jaw line, his cocked neck, his heavy chest which inched closer and closer with each pounding heart throb, to his subtle hand, still shamelessly pulling at her. Everything in her head fought against this, her insides were screaming, protesting, demanding that she stop him, but she did nothing; and as she realized this a coy smile spread itself across her moist, pursed lips. Not unnoticed, the man’s own smile broadened as he slid his left hand up her back and around her neck, sending a tantalizing chill up the woman’s spine. She shivered into him, felt his warm flesh on hers, and melted at once into his arms. He ran his fingers up and into her dark, thick hair as she sighed into his chest, breathing in his rich, invigorating scent. Suddenly she unloosed, emboldened in an instant of breathless delight. She ran her hands savagely up his chest and caught his jaw between her palms, she met his gaze and realized he had lost the controlling glint of before; she was no longer just a pawn in his passion play…

He had only a moment to catch the new fiery light that danced in her eyes before she pulled him onto her, lips pressed to his, arms thrown carelessly about his neck, clawing at him as though frantic to get at something within. He was caught off guard, this was not the woman he had known before; she had transformed in his arms, and left all inhibitions to the night air. He was going to be gentle, slow; playfully caress her until she trembled with an unknown longing; the beast he had unleashed had no patience for shy tremblings…

The woman had no idea what power had come over her, yet she new exactly what she was doing with it. She had never felt so much control over a situation while having lost all control over her own body. She kissed him deeper, her lips parting slightly, welcoming, beckoning. She pressed herself against him harder, her hips driving into him, pleading for resistance. His hand was at her waist again, ruthlessly tearing at the ties baring his way. She broke free of his kiss and abandoned her fruitless clawing to hasten his cause. Moments later a loose pile of fabric lay about her ankles, and a skilled hand moved about in its stead.

Every time their eyes met it was with a deepening sense of wonder and desire. The woman, in short gasping moans, nodded slowly to the rhythm the man played below, and he in turn nuzzled softly into her neck, exhaling, kissing, whispering silently to her unhearing flesh.

The moon climbed high outside the window, drawing its soft beams from the lovers embrace. It had guided them to each other, and would leave them now for the coming dawn.

Here I sit in the good old homeland of Waterford, swollen, bruised, and high on opium. Quite the attention grabber no doubt. Maybe that is how I should start the great American novel, thoughts Kathleen? So the wisdom teeth are gone, and though it wasn't as bad as I had expected, it was also not the most pleasant ordeal. I woke up during surgery a few times and they had to cut through my jaw, and I am most certainly not a fan of happy gas, but I did survive, and despite my fears last night, they didn't even cut my main nerve and for that I suppose I should just be grateful.

So I spent most of yesterday spaced out on the couch asleep with my face sandwiched between two ice packs, munching on drugs and apple sauce, and waking up every hour or so to which ever God awful child's cartoon was on, and once to The Return of the King. All in all not a very fulfilling life. Though I was happy to discover today that Logo has been airing all of the Transgeneration documentary this weekend, so that has given me something to watch, and a few glimpses of real home at MSU.

So tomorrow is Easter, and it is very odd that I am here, I should be in Mexico. I'm not quite sure that I like being here to be honest, and I really think I could get something out of being in Mexicali instead, I could even talk to the kids this year, that would be a new experience. I miss getting out of the tents in the morning to the brisk dessert air, and then morning chapel; everyone singing their hearts out as the sun rose high overhead promising a glorious 95 degree day. The vans, speed bumps, puppet shows, and crafts...all the amazing children and people who changed our lives...*sigh*...it's weird to realize that it is going on even without us being there. I've been experimenting with that thought process lately, and it really baffles me. Trying to imagine the world going on everywhere that you are not, it's such a cool yet almost belittling feeling. But my roll in Mexicali is done, and so I can only pray that the lives of those that go there now can be touched as amazingly as mine was and that the services done will only become greater and grander with each year. Besides, someone once told me that sometimes when the music's right you can shut your eyes and be back in that field in mexico for evening chapel...I long for those moments when the music is right.

So today is most certainly the yin to yesterday's yang. And while the tank top wearing, bicycle riding, sun-bathing glory has been replaced by puddle-hopping, wind-blocking, umbrella sporting glumness, all was not lost. I did wake up firstly to the sounds of Bob and Tom, on the only radio station that consistently comes in, but secondly to a deep, enlivening rumbling of thunder off in the distance. And now as the rain has subsided and the sun has begun to sift its way through the heavy, moist air, I feel that spring is most certainly upon us.

With the upsetting news that henna would not be available for my use last night, I got the brilliant idea to just tattoo myself with a gel ink ball tip pen. Surprisingly it proved quite the success. I now have the Japanese symbol for eternity inked on my lower abdomen, and I like the idea of just getting the real thing there more and more. But will I really want it when I am in my mid 40's and a mother of 3? (Pure speculation my friends...I can't even see much past tomorrow) Well...I've been thinking about it the last few days, and this is about the best rational I can come up with: By the time I am in my 40's how many people will I be showing that part of my body to anyhow? Save whichever person I have decided to spend my life with, probably none, so really...why does it matter all that much? If I want it while my body is still fit to be seen, I might as well. Maybe it doesn't really hold water, but I'm working with it for now.

In other news, I have less than 38 hours until they take my teeth, I am sorely in need of some clean laundry, and if anyone has some sand, an ocean, and a tropical drink at their disposal I am willing to render most any service to attain said items.

If there was a song to inspire me right now this would be it...it's so simple and at first rather lack luster, but something about it really gets me now. I love finding power in strange places...it's just so liberating, like your just leaving everything behind you and driving away into the mountains with the windows down and the sweet breezes of freedom sweeping you away. Coupled with the glorious weather that today has brought to East Lansing, I'm in quite the content state, though I find myself wondering why I am currently inside and not spralled on the banks of the red cedar. Hopefully the weather will stay nice now, oh how I have been longing for spring! and as a testiment to its arrival I am in my bohemian inspired garb and a tank top, a bit daring for me in the 70 degree weather, but I will fight off my chronic freezing with all the strength I can muster, and go soak up the sun.

Am I truely living...or is this just a shadow of life?

A rather deep question to explore in what is only my humble beginnings as a live journal habitué. To be honest, it isn't even really a question I find myself asking as of late...rather it was suggested to me as merely a starting point.

I never saw myself writing one of these really, for you see...writing no longer comes easy to me, an outlet sorely missed. Perhaps it has been long enough...perhaps it will come back to me. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, right? Good old Confucius, not that I agree with most of his teachings, but odds would tend to favor him being right on at least one thing in his life. And with that, let the journey begin...